Hey there! Here’s one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial this week:
1 idea: Feel the feel
Do you have any emotions that you can’t allow yourself to feel? For me, sadness might top the list.
I first noticed some lingering sadness in my life at the beginning of the summer and instantly went to work to eliminate it. And then I realized that my core strategy—beating it back—was at the root of the problem.
When I’m delivering a workshop on emotional intelligence, I’ll often use the Oprah quote, “feel the feel, then take the wheel.” Her idea is that emotions aren’t things to fear. Instead, we can feel free to experience them for what they are, then choose how we want to respond.
That’s easier said than done when the emotion you’re feeling produces shame or embarrassment, though. When you see yourself as a loving mother but feel intense anger toward your kids, it’s unsettling to experience that feeling for long. Your mind’s defense mechanisms kick into gear quickly, searching for a way to reconcile the discrepancy. Perhaps you unconsciously blame the kids (I am a really loving person, but anyone would go crazy living in this house), or perhaps you blame yourself (I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I’m a bad mother). Because it’s challenging for you to live in the duality that you are a loving mother and you also get mad at your kids, it’s easier not to feel the emotion at all.
I’m learning now that one of the emotions I don’t permit myself to experience is sadness. As a husband, coach, and business owner, I want to show up with positivity and energy to give. Sadness doesn’t seem useful; it's mostly a drag.
When I first detected sadness a few months ago, I analyzed its root causes and plotted tactics to eliminate it. I prioritized quiet time, started exercising again, and slept more. But like a bulletproof zombie, sadness continued to stagger after me. As it gained momentum, it began to stir up other feelings like dread and overwhelm. Remaining focused and productive became more challenging by the day.
Finally one morning, I’d had enough. I was tired of being tired and frustrated at being frustrated. In my despair, I just sat on my couch in the pre-dawn hours and felt it all. I mentally listed out all the things I was sad about. Things like:
I am sad that I’m sad.
I’m sad I want time away from my kids.
I’m sad my morning routine keeps getting disrupted.
I’m sad that I’m not as close to my friends as I used to be.
For the first time, I fully felt my sadness. And that made all the difference.
As I slowly felt the waves of sadness wash over me, I noticed something surprising: it came, and then it went. Like a dam that had been holding back water for months, it came out in a rush. I mourned all the things I was disappointed by in that season of life. But after the first crash and splash of pent-up emotions, all that remained was the trickling stream that had been dammed up. The problems were still there, but now that I’d acknowledged them, the sadness was gone. It was like sadness was banging on my door with an important message and wouldn’t leave until it was delivered. Now that it had its day in court, it was happy to go away.
If you’re holding back strong emotions due to fear or shame, perhaps the answer isn’t to box them out but to let them in. While these feelings may not dissipate instantly, they probably have something to teach you.
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What emotions bubble up when you slow down or turn off the noise?
What might these emotions be trying to tell you?
How could you create space to fully experience them and learn from them?
1 resource: Inside Out
If you haven’t seen both of the Inside Out movies, please do! They are the best movies I’ve ever seen on emotional intelligence. While the mechanics of emotions aren’t technically accurate, the truth threaded throughout is powerful. In Inside Out 2, Riley battles anxiety, and the journey she goes on offers so much insight for anyone who’s struggled with this emotion.
Here’s one of my favorite clips from the first movie—a moment that captures the surprising power of embracing sadness.
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