1+1: Marty McFly’s insecurity + How to respond to a bully

Here's one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial in the past two weeks:

1 idea: Marty McFly’s insecurity 

One of my favorite movies growing up was Back to the Future. I loved seeing Marty McFly—the scrappy, unappreciated underdog—go back in time, beat up the bad guy, and shred a guitar to the tune of Johnny B. Goode.

One of the recurring gags in the movie is that Marty hates being called “chicken.” Just as he’s about to escape trouble, the bully Biff (or one of his relatives) dares him to defend his honor. And despite knowing better, he (almost) always takes the bait and ends up in a fight for his life as a result. Had he just been able to walk away, life would have been much smoother for Marty.

Many of the leaders I coach and train share Marty McFly’s insecurity. They need to be liked and respected. They need to be right.

All of us want to be liked and respected, of course, but some people need it. And this is a problem because anything I need exerts control over me.

• If I need to be seen as perfectly capable, then I can’t say no to an extra assignment.

• If I need to be right, I can’t walk away from a pointless argument.

• If I need to be respected, I have to vigilantly defend myself against any accusation (true or not).

  
  

Insecure leaders are often intelligent, hardworking, and responsible. They’re often amazing people that you’d want to have on your team. And yet, their insecurity often leads them to become petty and get burned out. In an effort to protect their reputations, they actually damage them.  They don’t want to be controlled in this way, but because they need these things to feel ok about themselves, they just can’t help it.

By the final Back to the Future movie, Marty has finally learned his lesson. Again, a bully calls him chicken, but this time, he walks away, and it spares him decades of misery. Of all the things that Marty does to alter the time-space continuum, this single choice is the one that creates the most positive impact for him. Letting go of the need to always be respected gives him the freedom to choose a new future for himself. May it be so for you, too.

***

• What is your list of things you “need” to be ok?

• What kind of control does that list exert over you?

• What would it look like to let go of a few of those “needs” and downgrade them to “wants”?

1 resource: How to respond to a bully 

If fighting back isn’t the right thing to do when you’re challenged, what should you do? Jefferson Fisher addresses this topic in this excellent podcast on communication. This is hands-down the best video I've seen on how to communicate in tough situations. Watch a highlight here or the full episode here.

PS: The weird things dads make you do in sports.