1+1: The power of silence + Mary Oliver on prayer

Here's one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial in the past two weeks:

1 idea: The power of silence

What if your greatest gift to another person wasn't something you did, but something you didn’t do?

One night in college, a student I was mentoring swung by my room to chat. After settling into my futon, he began to unload all the problems swirling around his mind. He talked at such a pace that I literally couldn’t get a word in—just a few “hmms” and nods.

After a full 90 minutes, he had finally said his piece. He paused and took a deep breath. I did, too—gathering up the air I needed to dispense the 90 minutes of advice that had been piling up in my brain. Ok, there are three things you need to think about here…

But just as I was about to begin, he looked at his watch. “Oh, wow—I’ve got to get going. Thanks so much, Josh! This has been great!” He stood to walk out the door. Stunned, I said goodbye as he darted out of the room. Then I shut my door...and screamed all my pent up energy into a pillow. What a waste of time! I thought. He could have talked to a tree instead of me. I didn’t do anything! Ahhhh!

Years later, that impulse to offer advice is still alive and well in me. When I meet with friends or clients who have problems they want to solve, my first instinct is often to jump in and help. (Michael Bungay Stanier calls this “the advice monster.”) My mind goes to a book, podcast, or framework that speaks to their problem. A relevant personal story leaps to mind. As dozens of thoughts race through my head, I struggle to decide which mic-dropping piece of wisdom to share first.

But over the years, I’ve learned that instinct to jump in and talk is almost always wrong. That’s because the most helpful thing I could generally do in that moment is to simply be silent.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable,” says David Augsberger. I’ve seen this statement proven time and again in coaching. A coaching call will begin with a benign question like, “How are you today?” and what comes next is a 15-minute stream of consciousness. As I sit and listen, the leader guides me through all the inner workings of the problem—and oftentimes, right back out of it again to a clear solution.

This process used to make me insecure because I felt like I wasn’t adding any value to the conversation. After all, I literally didn’t say anything. But now I’m beginning to see how valuable, loving, and scarce that silent space can be.

Listening is an act of love because you’re creating a safe space where others can be who they are without judgment. While doing nothing seems at first to be inconsequential, it shows that there’s nothing else you’d rather be doing than holding space for the person sitting in front of you.

Silence doesn’t force people to change, but it welcomes them to do so. It’s like a hot tub for a sore back. The jet-propelled water blasting at your fascia doesn’t demand that knotted-up muscles untie. It simply relaxes them, inviting them to unwind.

That night with David, I gave him a gift—a painful one for me to give, but life-giving for him all the same. That’s why it’s called "paying" attention. Real listening costs us something. But that cost is worth its weight in gold to the person who feels heard.

***

• Who could benefit from some of your undivided attention?

• What could that gift do for them?

• What would you need to sacrifice to give them that gift?

1 resource: Mary Oliver on prayer

Listening isn’t just good for others—it’s good for our soul. This brief poem--“Praying” by Mary Oliver-- captures the essence of what it means to live in joyful attentiveness to the world around us.

PS: I need some healing monk glitter…