1+1: Connect before you direct + Make people feel noticed

Here's one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial in the past two weeks:

1 idea: Connect before you direct

There’s a weird phenomenon that occurs in my house, and I still don’t fully understand it. Sometimes—for no obvious reason at all—my kids do not listen to me.

I know I’m the only one with this problem, so please don’t judge me. But it honestly kind of baffles me. I’ll make a request of my five-year-old that doesn’t appear complex or burdensome. “Dude, please put some pants on. We’ve had enough nudity in the house for one day.” The suggestion seems pretty straightforward to me. And yet to my shock, 10 minutes later I will peep a pair of pale butt checks bounding down the hallway.

As an executive coach, author, and keynote speaker, it’s my job to influence people to make better choices. So it befuddles me that I struggle to alter the behavior of these little people that I know very well.

I've tried different things to combat this puzzling problem. Yelling from one end of the house has about a 10% success rate. Repeating myself ups the odds to maybe 25%. And getting irritated...well, that is a mixed bag. 

I’ve found plenty of other approaches that aren’t that effective, but the one that does work time and again is simple but hard: connect before you direct.

This often looks like getting down to eye level with my kids, placing a kind hand on their shoulder, meeting their gaze, and asking them a question.

• “What needs to happen before we leave?”

• “Are you frustrated that you don’t get to play with that toy right now?”

• “What do you need to do to make things right with Mommy?”

  
  

If you’re judging me because that sounds weak, I get it. If you think a parent should just be obeyed and shouldn’t have to adapt to his kids in that way, I understand. I would have thought the same thing years ago. But then I had two experiences. For one, I learned more about how human connection helps us regulate our autonomic nervous system. In other words, relational connection helps us calm down, focus, and make better choices. The second experience was actually having kids and trying a whole bunch of stuff with them that didn’t work.

If you’re having a hard time getting your kids to follow-through—or your employees, for that matter—you might ask yourself some questions:

• When was the last time we really connected personally?

• Do they fully understand why this request is important for me and how it will benefit them?

• Do I fully understand their goals right now? Do I know what's competing with my priority?

• And the bottom line: What’s keeping me from connecting with them?

  
  

If you’re like me, the biggest barriers to connection are time and ego. I want it to happen now without any investment on my part. And I want to be respected and obeyed without question—“just because I said so.” But if I can slow down and set my ego aside—if I can connect before I direct—then not only do I save a ton of time by not having to repeat myself as much, but I also strengthen my relationship with this person who I care about deeply. It’s harder, but it’s better across the board.

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1 resource: Make people feel noticed

In this insightful and practical Harvard Business Review article, my friend Zach Mercurio shares why and how leaders make their people feel noticed. His research shows again and again that feeling like you matter at work changes everything.

PS: The best pet you’ve never considered.